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Back in 1998, my family was stationed in Fayetteville, a small city in North Carolina, which earned its nickname “Fayettenam” due to its huge military population.
I’d enrolled in a local private school, where I was one of the only military brats — and often felt out of place. There was a memorable moment after school on the soccer field, as we milled about before practice. The coach was sitting on the ground, fumbling with one of the sprinklers that was leaking as we looked on. The players around me were talking about how much their parents paid them for chores.
“My parents give me $15 to mow the lawn,” one kid said.
“Ah dang, my parents only give me $10,” said another.
Coach Maloney, who was a working class man, scoffed and said, “You guys need to learn how to do real work.”
I said, “Well, if it counts for anything, I mow the lawn or else.”
Coach gave me an uncharacteristic smile and said, “Sean knows what real work is.”
I wasn’t trying to appease him by any means — but it did feel good to be acknowledged. Many of these kids were wealthy, taking huge, expensive vacations on the regular, and living lives I wasn’t familiar with, as my father was a young officer, supporting our whole family.
This small window in time speaks to a misunderstood aspect of parenting, that often undermines a child’s motivations, and making them more difficult in the long run.
The origins of this issue
The problem is that chores are often a component of allowances at large.
Per a survey by T. Rowe Price, 83% of parents who pay their kids an allowance believe their kids should earn this allowance through chores. The problem is that — many experts argue this is a mistake.
They say you should pay your kids to do work beyond their duties if you want. But chores should be done because they are the right thing to do. They encourage responsibility and how to live correctly. They also promote the cohesion of the family unit as a team.
Social scientist, Alfie Kohn, wrote in his book Unconditional Parenting, “A considerable number of studies have found that children and adults alike are less successful at many tasks when they’re offered a reward for doing them–or for doing them well.”
It undermines a child’s intrinsic motivation to want to help the family out.
For example, though I made an earlier comment about having to mow the lawn “or else”, I actually didn’t mind doing it. My broader point was that it was just an expectation — and that was OK.
I’d seen my grandfather mowing our lawn when I was little. So when I finally got the opportunity to start mowing (it is slightly dangerous, so they made me wait), I felt more grown, like I had taken on more responsibility. I rather looked forward to doing the chore. Even at age 13, the feeling of starting the lawn mower engine felt an order of magnitude away from starting a car engine and driving on my own. I even enjoyed the struggle of tugging on the starter cord over and over, and finally hearing the engine catch and turn on. These little things matter.
And if I was being paid to mow my own lawn, I may not have learned to embrace the struggle with many of these tasks, and the satisfaction of seeing a freshly mowed lawn.
Per sociology professor, Dr. Heather Johnson, “When we pay [kids] to do things that humans have always had to do as participants of communities and families, it sends them some sort of a message that they are entitled to [an] exchange for these things.”
She added, “This isn’t happening in poor families. They’re not like, ‘If you take care of your cousins, I’m going to pay you for it.’ It’s just expected that you would take care of your cousins if your cousins needed taking care of.”
The bigger message is that we should set a standard that life requires work and, “We are in this together.” It is more effective than turning your child into a vendor to distribute services for you.
Why it’s an even broader developmental problem
Professor Dr. Mark Lepper, a developmental psychologist, did a landmark study on intrinsic and extrinsic motivation with young children.
Specifically, he gathered a cohort of children who all enjoyed doing art with their markers and pens. With one group, he offered a reward for those who did art, and specifically, a “good player” badge with their name on it. For the second group, there was no reward attached.
Then, in a follow up study, they observed the children when they were presented with the same art activity in an open room.
They found that those children who had done art to earn the badge, were only half as interested in doing art again as those who hadn’t been given a reward to do it.
And this matters in a huge way. The act of attaching the incentive undermined the other value that comes with an activity. It took a craft these children otherwise enjoyed, and effectively ruined it for half of them.
No, this isn’t to say all children will intrinsically love doing their chores. Any parent knows that getting them to do this isn’t always easy. It’s more to point out that they may not learn to value making their bed and keeping a tidy room if they are being bribed to do it each week.
Perhaps this is a message to the rest of us too, to remember the value of doing things that aren’t always fun or easy, to immerse ourselves in the tasks because of the non-monetary value they bring to our lives.
Some tips to help integrate this strategy
When I was growing up, we had a rule, “If one person is working, everyone is working.”
If one of us was raking leaves, we all were. It became a team activity and removed any sense of hypocrisy a kid might sense, as a parent lounges on the couch watching TV, while barking out orders for the kids to perform. It was a known thing that if you got caught sitting down or goofing off during work time, you’d be in trouble.
Convey to them the importance of these chores and the value they bring to their lives. Avoid opening with, “Because I said so!”
If your kid wants to make money, figure out things that are above and beyond what they normally do and then pay them for that potentially. You can also brainstorm ideas and work together on a plan.
For example, when I lived on a golf course, we frequently had golf balls land in our back yard. I began collecting them and selling them at a discount as my way of saving for a video game system I wanted. It taught me the value of initiative and entrepreneurship (though I was eventually shut down by the angry golf course owner). I also began mowing neighboring lawns to help make more money. Many neighbors will appreciate a child’s interest in earning and potentially hire them.
I would caution you to also ensure chores are age appropriate, and not over burdening a small child.
Above all, remember to lead by example. Children can’t help but model the behaviors they see. You don’t have to bribe them to be industrious, but you do need to show them how.
I’m a former financial analyst turned writer out of sunny Tampa, Florida. I began writing eight years ago on the side and fell in love with the craft. My goal is to provide non-fiction story-driven content to help us live better and maximize our potential.
