Almost all business books will tell you not to mix business with pleasure. We’re in a place as a society where folks can decide which axioms make sense for our own lives and which just didn’t age well. To me, hearing “Don’t start a business with your partner” sounds as outdated as “Choose a company with a good pension, and you’re set for life.” While pensions are a relic in the private sector, US Census data shows that 10% of American businesses are owned by couples. My husband and I are in that 10% — and we’re stronger than ever.
Countless couples, friends, and family members run successful businesses together. Complications are bound to arise from all interpersonal relationship dynamics, so why not start a business with someone who knows you inside and out? Someone who understands your tendency to bite off more than you can chew or knows which activities help you relax or possess the skills and knowledge that are so complementary to yours that you decided to make them your person until death do you part. For all the aforementioned reasons, starting a business with my husband has actually strengthened our relationship.
We tried not to work together, but realized it was a great fit
Nick and I actively tried not to work together because we obviously both knew that mixing business with pleasure could be risky. But hey, starting a business is one of the riskiest adventures anyway. Go hard or go home, right? We built such a strong foundation as a couple that the possibility of anything, especially work, breaking down our bond felt overwhelming. Then we asked ourselves an important question: Who else could sell this extremely niche seaweed vinegar non-alcoholic drink we created but us? That realization gave us the courage to start a business together.
We started a non-alcoholic drink brand called (parentheses) that was born out of our own personal recovery journeys. Nick and I met in an AA meeting when we both had a few years of sobriety under our belts. Those years before we met (and after!) were filled with peer support and mental health support, unpacking why we each relied on alcohol so heavily in the past.
In addition to my personal experience, I spent years researching, studying, and interviewing people about how their relationship patterns intersect with their alcohol use while writing a book. Nick and I, like many of my subjects, dealt with the emotional upheaval and required boundary-setting that often comes from changing one’s relationship with alcohol. After going through emotional hell and back, creating a marketing plan together or debating over bottle sizes just isn’t that big of a deal.
Communication is key
Individually, we’ve learned healthy coping skills — many of which can be distilled into one word: communication. Learning how to communicate before we met each other makes us a strong couple; identifying and accommodating our individual communication styles makes us excellent business partners.
Clear communication only works when you trust the person you’re communicating with. How clear can your communication be without honesty? Nick and I learned that admitting that we needed to reevaluate our relationships with booze requires a great deal of honesty with ourselves and others — a virtue we bring into the ethos of our business. That humility also taught us an even more valuable lesson: It’s OK to ask for help.
We ask for help all the time, both as a couple and as business partners. Whether asking for assistance with a project or getting advice from people more established in our industry, we don’t feel “weak” for knowing we can’t do it all. We know which skills we each have, which skills the other has, and which skills we need to outsource or learn.
Having self-awareness about what we each bring to the table helps us work more efficiently (and happily!). Being stubborn just doesn’t work. Trust us; we’ve tried. We often joke that Nick would rather be covered in vinegar-mother slime while making our drink, and I’d much rather make a TikTok of him covered in said slime.
The arduous work we do in our personal recovery programs teaches us to focus on what we can control. We bring this mindful life approach to running a small business, too. We can control producing our small-batch, artisanal product and creating intentional marketing plans, so that’s where the bulk of our energy goes.
We can’t control that we’re an indie brand swimming in a sea of VC-backed brands. We also can’t control who likes or dislikes our drink. There will always be drink brands with more capital and stores that don’t want to sell our product. The trick to staying (relatively) sane when working with your spouse or romantic partner is finding the nuggets of controllability when life happens on life’s terms. Those nuggets also lead to forming a stronger bond as a couple.
The most important aspect of running a business with a spouse or partner is knowing when to clock out to make time for life’s other pleasures. There are evenings when we both feel defeated after a day filled with low sales or getting lost in bureaucratic red tape with the Department of Agriculture that makes us want to scratch our eyes out.
But we have each other, a beautiful home, and fur babies who remind us that being silly can alleviate much of life’s stressors. We have our healthy, learned coping skills. And we have a nice drink to sip, reminding us why we decided to sell this thing in the first place. Running a business, especially with your partner, is one day at a time, too.
