With a heavy heart, I must announce something profoundly personal and painfully private to my 900,000 followers.
Over the past few weeks, many of you have been asking: “Where is John?” “Why isn’t John in any of your pics anymore?” and “Where did you get that gorgeous floral crop top?”
Well, John and I are getting a divorce. And the top is from Bougie Barn. (Use promo code DIVORCE to get 30% off your next purchase. #BougieBarnPartner)
Our decision to split was not made lightly. John and I spent hours wondering how this would affect our beautiful children and my future content. We asked ourselves tough and critical questions to ensure ending our relationship felt right, like: “How will we co-parent?” and “Should our divorce reveal be a YouTube video, a TikTok, or a hurried Notes app screenshot?”
I know what you’re thinking: “You guys seemed so happy.” Well, that’s because I Facetune smiles on John’s face.
John has always been an integral part of my life and my social media feed, but the time has come for me to choose ME. (Be the first to get your hands on I CHOOSE ME merch via the link in my bio.)
As we navigate this difficult time, our long-time love for one another remains at the forefront. However, I am proud to announce a partnership with Glad That’s Over, a fun new dating app for recent divorcées. (Get a month of unlimited swipes for just $9 when you use promo code BYEJOHN.)
Despite a stringent prenuptial agreement and ongoing irreconcilable differences that I’d only disclose to you after three martinis, I never believed we’d be in this position. We ask that you pray for us to find the strength to heal, the energy to move forward, and the engagement for this post to reach at least five million views.
It goes without saying that our children, Anvil, Satchel, and Nutella, are always our top priority. @ToddTheDivorceLawyer has helped make sure our arrangement is simple and fair.
Speaking of Todd, would you like a FREE consultation with him? All you have to do is follow me, unfollow John, tag eighteen of your friends in unstable relationships, and comment below with the last thing you told your therapist about your spouse—and you’ll be entered to win.
Again, this is so difficult. While I did use a Canva template for this announcement and ask ChatGPT for help, it doesn’t make my feelings any less valid, sincere, or raw—I am emotionally drained and have no tears left to cry. (Curious about the top waterproof mascaras and depuffing eye creams I’m loving right now? Visit the “John Cheated” section of my Amazon Storefront.)
Thank you for understanding and respecting our family’s privacy as we continue to consciously uncouple. And please join me tonight at 7:00 p.m. EST when I go live to answer all your burning questions and give away an I CHOOSE ME mug.
Sara K. Runnels is a seasoned humor writer, copywriter and writer-writer living in Seattle, WA. She is a regular contributor to The New Yorker & her sharp social commentary can be found, quite literally, all over the internet under @omgskr.
