How to Stop the Rumination That Often Plagues the Estranged

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Many of the estranged have asked me—often in desperation—to help them stop the destructive thought patterns of rumination.

Their misery lies in relentless repetition. Over and over, they mentally replay hurtful events and rancorous exchanges, overthinking every damaging detail. In doing so, they constantly ask themselves the same old questions: “What did I do? What if I had said this? How can I fix this?”

They feel like hostages to this uncontrollable loop-thinking. And they have no idea how to free themselves from its overwhelming grip.

The brain is a problem-solving machine that seeks to control events and reduce uncertainty. When it encounters an unsolvable problem—which estrangement frequently is—it can go haywire. The estranged may find themselves fixating on sad or dark thoughts as the brain grinds away in a futile effort to gain insight and find solutions. Not surprisingly, ruminating is often associated with depressive interpretations of past events, negative thoughts about the present, and hopelessness about the future.

Some respondents to the survey I conducted for my book Brothers, Sisters, Strangers described the experience in dizzying terms:

My head goes round and round about the things that have happened.

I think about my sister all the time. I’m shattered that we are not part of each other’s lives.

I can’t stop thinking about the estrangement. The pain is agonizing.

Who is most prone to rumination?

One University of Michigan study determined that overthinking is an alarmingly widespread problem, especially among young people. Researchers found that 73 percent of people between the ages of 25 and 35 are prone to overthinking.

However, that prevalence drops with age. The study determined that 52 percent of those between the ages of 45 and 55 overthink, while only 20 percent of those between 65 and 75 struggle with the problem.

Generally, women are more prone than men to rumination. Unchecked, the habit can damage physical and mental health, potentially leading to anxiety, alcohol abuse, and suicidal thoughts. Rumination may also be a symptom of diagnosable mental health conditions, including generalized anxiety disorder, social anxiety, or depression.

Many feel helplessly stuck in the grief of estrangement—what I call “mourning the living.” One estranged sister asked me: “How does one accept that their sibling doesn’t love them or care enough to maintain a relationship? How can I move forward without rumination or resentment?”

A primer on rumination

Here are some signs of possible overthinking:

Fixating on an event or broader situation and having trouble switching to other thoughts
Focusing on one topic that leads to depression and exhaustion
Flooding of negative thoughts as the mind replays conversations and situations
Plunging into anxious thoughts that make it difficult to relax, unwind, or fall asleep
Obsessing over “worst-case scenario” thinking, especially about the future

Here are some possible negative physical effects of rumination:

Hypertension
Insomnia
Appetite loss or overeating
Mental or emotional disorders
Immunity suppression
Digestion problems

Here are some ways to stop overthinking:

Distract yourself. Call a friend—and talk about anything but the thoughts troubling you. Exercise, tackle some chores, work on a puzzle, watch a movie, or spend time in nature. A 2014 study found that after a 90-minute nature walk, people reported fewer symptoms of rumination. And a 2018 study determined that even a single session of exercise reduced symptoms of rumination. Try for optimal results by combining exercise with time outdoors. Practice mindful walking, focusing on sensations, surroundings, and movement as you go.
Make an action plan. Determine what you can control, and write down your ideas to emphasize their importance. If possible, take steps to address the troubling situation.
Challenge your own thinking. Ask yourself if your troubling thoughts are accurate. The National Science Foundation reports that the average brain generates 15,000 to 50,000 thoughts daily. Most are negative, and up to 90 percent are repetitive. These “automatic negative thoughts” (ANTs) can cause chronic stress and, over time, can alter brain chemistry by depleting “feel-good” neurotransmitters (serotonin and dopamine). Consciously replace and reframe ANTs with positive affirmations, acknowledging the negative aspects of a situation while seeking an alternative, positive evaluation.
Monitor your feelings. When facing a challenge or problem, write it down and let it go for a couple of hours or, if you can, a full day. Allow time for your emotions to settle down so you can respond reasonably to the situation.
Differentiate between fear and intuition. Ruminators often can’t distinguish fear of making a mistake from intuition warning them about a bad idea. Regain self-confidence by consciously connecting with your body and learning to perceive its signals accurately.
Enhance self-esteem. Identify and build upon existing strengths. Sample new activities to discover where you can excel. Poor self-esteem is closely associated with increased rumination.
Keep a gratitude journal. Boost your emotional resilience by writing down positive events and feelings in your daily life.
Meditate. Reduce rumination by promoting a calm emotional state and grounding yourself in the present moment. Meditation also strengthens the connection between thoughts and feelings. When you catch yourself ruminating, sit down and focus on deep breathing.
Identify and avoid triggers. When you start ruminating, note where you are, the time of day, who’s around you, and what you’ve been doing. In today’s world, even watching the news or scrolling through social media may be triggers.
Set a timer. Allow yourself a finite time period during which you focus on disturbing emotions. Then, place a rubber band around your wrist. Each time you find yourself returning to negative thoughts, snap the rubber band to become aware of repetitive thought patterns.
Take care of yourself, and help others. During stressful times, boost self-esteem and positivity by getting adequate nutrition and sleep. Find ways to improve the lives of others who are in need.
Adjust your life goals. Lower expectations of yourself and others to ease stress and promote well-being.