Leaving this man was scary — because on paper he was damn near perfect. Gorgeous, intelligent, business owner, made lots of money, took me on five-star trips and fancy dinners, very charismatic, the “life of the party.” But when I think about how he made me feel around him, it was always anxious, scared, uneasy, agitated, distracted, and ultimately insecure.
Flash forward and I’ve recently met a guy through a friend. This man, unlike many of my exes, does not have a high-paying career. In fact, he’s nearly broke. He’s a successful artist who sells his work, but he’s also barely getting by.
He’s also totally not my type, with long, shaggy hair and a full beard. But besides these two things, the way this man has made me feel is unlike any guy I’ve ever dated. This guy is beyond tender with me. When I am with him, I feel immense peace. He makes me laugh more than I ever have. He remembers the things I tell him and makes me feel like he deeply cares. All things I’m not used to. He takes joy and happiness in putting me first — and because he listens and knows me well, he knows exactly the things to make me happy. But really, above all the things he does for me, it’s how safe and how accepted he makes me feel. A feeling I can’t even say I get from my own family, and only some friends.
When new guy and I go out, I always pay. It’s strange because I’ve never been in this role. But my question is: How do I know if I give this guy a shot?
My biggest worry is that this guy is nearly broke, and to be honest, it’s scary for me. I’m almost 30 and mostly looking for my life partner. This guy is amazing, but I want a man who is able to help support me and my future children. I’m not saying I don’t want to work, but I don’t want to be the only financial contributor.
What advice do you have for me to think about as I navigate whether I should give this guy a chance or leave before I fall too in love?
THANKS LOVE LETTERS – <3
A. You thought you wanted a person who looked good on paper, but now you’re enjoying something different.
Is it possible you might reconsider what kind of household you want in the future?
It sounds like you can pay for these dates. Maybe you and this artist will fall madly in love and come up with a system where he’s providing home management and child care in a way that saves you thousands — and that’s his contribution. I guess I’m wondering if there’s any wiggle room for you when it comes to who does what in a home run by life partners.
Maybe there isn’t, and this just won’t work. That’s why I think it’s time for a conversation. Can you ask about his hopes for the future? Does he want marriage and kids with anyone? What kind of partner does he seek? Does he think about money? If his answer is a big shrug, you’re in different places, it seems.
Sometimes after a bad relationship, we meet one nice person, and they show us what a wonderful loving experience can be like. It’s bliss — because we forgot the good stuff was possible. That doesn’t mean the one nice person is everything. Maybe, after hearing this man’s vision for the future, you’ll realize he’s a great guy who taught you that dating can be respectful, caring, and fun. Perhaps this experience will help you reset and find someone who shares more of your goals and values.
Have the conversation soon. Then make decisions.
Also, I do hope he’s taken you out for something within his budget (like, even a coffee or sandwich would be great). Not because of gender roles, but because it’s kind.
MEREDITH
READERS RESPOND:
As a painter myself, I’ll tell you it’s hard out there. Consumers’ tastes often change and it’s difficult to stand out in the crowd. A gallery takes a hefty commission, supplies have gotten increasingly expensive. And now with AI entering the market, artists are worried. I can only afford to paint because my husband has been the breadwinner. But I do know many, many married artists who earn enough to have a family and get by. They’re not wealthy, but their passion to paint is what keeps them going. Many teach workshops as well to supplement their income. A lot have second gigs. Most of their spouses work full-time jobs to carry the benefits like health insurance. It’s a team effort and they make it somehow.
LUPELOVE
Meredith is on point with her advice. Situations change, and earnings can change as well. When I first started seeing my husband, I was earning a good salary and he was starting out in an artistic/technical career. I paid for everything, including the down payment on our house and I made all the mortgage payments. We weren’t married at that point so I made sure to keep the house in my name only. It’s only common sense and you, letter writer, can do the same thing. My guy settled into his career and while his income never matched mine, he contributed so much to our joint future in many, many other ways. Now we’re old and retired and we’re still very happy together. But like Meredith says, this may be the first guy that’s treated you well since the narcissist, so take it a little slow. This is a letter I’d like to see an update on in a few months.
ROXYGG
I agree with Meredith; sometimes you meet people who show you something you needed to see. And this man showed you how you deserve to be treated. If you decide he’s not a life partner, this experience was still very valuable. Give it a little more time (you have plenty!).
MEDIUMBAGGAGE
Send your own relationship and dating questions to loveletters@globe.com or fill out this form. Catch new episodes of Meredith Goldstein’s “Love Letters” podcast at loveletters.show or wherever you listen to podcasts. Column and comments are edited and reprinted from boston.com/loveletters.
