Source: Pixel/Marjonhorn
When you think of divorce, what comes to mind? For most married people, it’s probably the end of your romantic partnership. You may not focus on your extended family until you have to deliver the news to them.
If you have strong bonds with your in-laws and other extended family members, the prospect of losing them may bring additional grief. On the other hand, if your relationship isn’t close or is outright antagonistic, you may feel relief.
One of the hardest aspects of my divorce was its impact on my relationship with my in-laws. They had become family, and in some ways, I was almost sadder about losing them than my romantic relationship. After all, I wasn’t divorcing them; they had simply come with the marriage, so there was no promise they would stick around after it was over.
If partners don’t have children, perhaps they can say goodbye and move on to the next phase of life, and that’s all that’s needed. But if you have a child, it’s not so simple. Your extended family can be central to your child’s community and provide a sense of belonging, especially during a divorce.
Focus on the Kids
When a child is left alone during the stressful, scary, or confusing time of a divorce, they are more likely to experience longer-term trauma. However, if your child feels supported by a community of caring adults, such as their extended family, they can receive the security, connection, and consistency they need. Prioritizing a continued relationship with grandparents, for example, can expose your child to a wider range of life experiences, which in turn can help them develop empathy and other social skills that boost self-confidence.
For these reasons, I think it’s healthier for divorced couples with kids to treat divorce less as an ending and more as a shift in the family structure. This may sound like an unattainable goal—amidst all the emotions and changes of divorce, it’s hard to navigate yet another relationship dynamic—but it’ll be meaningful not only for your kid but for all involved.
Following my divorce, I sent an email to my ex in-laws stating how much I valued their relationship with our daughter as well as our relationship and all the memories we’d created as a family. I said that while my ex and I were divorcing, I hoped to stay in contact with them. They responded in kind, assuring me that I’d always be family and they would certainly stay in contact.
Now, after my daughter visits her grandparents, I look forward to hearing all about her experiences with them. Even if I feel sad that my relationship with them has changed and I sometimes feel left out, I am happy that she continues to build valuable memories with them.
This is not to say every family can maintain that level of contact after a divorce. Some couples come to the mutual agreement that they won’t stay in contact with their respective ex in-laws, even though they value and support the child’s relationship with them. This is how my ex and my parents moved forward. Occasionally they ask me or my daughter in a respectful way how her father is doing, but that’s it. My daughter feels no burden and is free to love whomever she wants.
Regardless of where you fall on the spectrum of future contact, outlining clear agreements and boundaries is important to avoid conflict and to create openness and harmony. Let’s look at three interlinked ways to turn your extended family into an asset during and after your divorce: reframing roles, setting boundaries, and improving communications.
Reframe Roles
Whether you’re angry with some extended family members or feel relieved to have them available, it’s helpful to reframe their roles in supporting your kid. I suggest doing this early on in your divorce process so you can set aside any past hurts and look toward the future.
The first step is to think about how you want to reframe roles. Stop and appreciate the fact that, even if they are no longer your family, extended family are still your child’s family and an important part of their community. Your in-laws are still your child’s grandparents. Your former sister-in-law is still your child’s aunt. Consider if or how you want to alter these relationships to maximize the support your child receives.
The next step is to discuss this with your co-parent. When my ex and I were divorcing, even though our feelings were very raw at the beginning, I wanted to make sure it was okay with him that I maintained a relationship with his family. So we discussed what that meant—for example, which members of his family I might connect with on my own terms, without having him serve as an intermediary.
After discussing these changes with your co-parent, talk with each family member. While some relatives may take for granted that they will continue to support your child, others may appreciate a deliberate conversation. Discuss the specific ways each person can support your child rather than create more division, confusion, or chaos.
Maintaining connections should always be done with mutual consent and clear guidelines to avoid conflict. If your co-parent is on board, you might send a note or hop on a phone call with your ex in-laws as a way to honor the changing roles and highlight the relationship you are now moving into with them. It’s a great way to extend the olive branch and can ease tensions all around.
Set Boundaries
As you reframe roles in general, you will also want to identify clear boundaries that reflect those new roles.
First, discuss the boundaries you and your co-parent want to set as you disentangle from each other’s extended families. Ask yourselves: What is okay and what is not okay in our new family structure? What are the advantages/disadvantages of our child maintaining relationships with extended family? What are the advantages/disadvantages of maintaining relationships with our ex in-laws?
Get specific about what your boundaries will address. For example:
- Family gatherings, including birthdays and holidays
- Visits with extended family
- Who should be taken off group chats
- How pictures and other kid-related news will be shared
- Expectations and ground rules around childcare support
- How to make sure extended family don’t take sides
Improve Communications
A high level of conflict between co-parents can lead them to forbid any contact with their extended families. Short of that extreme boundary, the lack of open and respectful communication can make it harder for their child to maintain these relationships or to feel free to talk about their time with extended family. It can also put the child in the middle, adding to the stress and harm.
It is important to remember that, as co-parents, you set the tone. How you talk about each other will affect how your in-laws view your new two-home family, and even how they feel about maintaining a relationship with their ex daughter- or son-in-law. For example, you might discuss:
- The importance of remaining neutral and supportive of both parents when discussing the divorce in front of or with the kids
- The need to refrain from saying anything negative about the child’s other parent in front of them or within earshot
- What you are comfortable with in regard to their relationship with your co-parent
- Any court-mandated guidelines or parenting plan agreements that would affect them, such as childcare and first rights of refusal
It’s normal for the parents of someone getting divorced to side with their own kid. However, if you as co-parents are respectful to each other and open and understanding of the appropriate boundaries, you send the message that your in-laws should do so as well. The bottom line is that you want to maximize your child’s community and your child’s sense of belonging in the family.
